Mystic Jimster
The Mystic Jimster Predicts
I have magic balls and when I stare at them I can fortell your future.
Let's see what fate is going to deal you this month...
Capricorn
You will worry that your inferiority complex is smaller than everyone else's.
Aquarius
Avoid gynacologists who fancy themselves as ventriloquists.
Pisces
You smell like a turd. The next time you are visiting friends you will overhear them deciding not to invite you again because you make their towels smell.
Aries
A terrible tragedy awaits one of your pets. Maybe your cat will be mauled by a pack of dogs.
Sagittarius
Your lucky rabbit's foot doesn't help you on Monday when you are viciously gnawed to death by a giant three-legged bunny.
Leo
After a minor indiscretion you will be viciously booted in the happy-sacks resulting in you speaking like the clangers for the rest of your life.
Virgo
You will be horribly pissed and awake one morning, in a strange bed remembering only the name Susan. Thinking "who's Susan?" you will turn over and see a big, fat hairy biker with Susan tatooed on his arse.
Libra
On Friday you will be brutally savaged by wombles.
Scorpio
The sting is surely in the tail for you this week when your penis is bitten off by a tortoise.
Gemini
Your dog will get cancer. Surprising as you didn't know he smoked.
Cancer
You will be abducted by aliens who will find your genitals endlessly amusing.
Taurus
You will be invited to a friends birthday party, it will be shite - don't go.